Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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