I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
