i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
