Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So much Jack, so little girl.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
