I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
