i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
