So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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