You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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