At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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