Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
