Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
