So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
