I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
