i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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