Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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