Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
