What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize