Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
