i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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