somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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