After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
