Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my shit smells like andre
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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