If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
