ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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