I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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