if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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