Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
