Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
