Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
