The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize