I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
