My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
