dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize