i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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