there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
