Hey man sorry I got all grabby
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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