Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
