I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
