New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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