How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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