I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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