I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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