in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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