I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
