Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize