i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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