i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
