Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
