Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize