Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
