I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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