college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
