I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
