Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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