All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I will be naked everywhere
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
