Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
