ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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